Annual Summer Gloom

Hi, this is a part of 10-week challenge with Marian Ledesma. Today's post is a letter that intends to deliver my genuine feelings and blurbs to my great friend, Marian. I do not think "Enjoy!" is an appropriate phrase to get started and this may be a too-personal content to share but I hope that reading this can be comforting to someone who feels summertime loneliness (because you are not alone).

-Jo

---

Dear Mare,

it seems like summers are when people look forward to relax from work or school, celebrate holidays with families and old friends, go on fun adventures, and hang out with people they have missed.

To me, summers have been not exactly like that. While summers are breaks from intense studying, they have been periods of endurance, quietness, and sometimes gloom. The reason why I say this initiated from a fact that I have been studying abroad since I was in a middle school. Studying abroad is one of the greatest blessings I have received. I am receiving the best education I could ask for; I have met amazing communities to be a part of; I am doing something I want to do as an individual. However, there is a consequence of being abroad for 6 years (Dang, that's a lot of time). The consequence is longing for social life every summer. I can confidentially say that I have grown the most for the last six years, and my growth is affected by friendships and other relationships I have formed. The closest people I can think of are all from these six years. In another perspective, I do not have any intimate friendship in Korea because I have not been in Korea long enough to stay in touch or form close relationships. What sucks to me from being in Korea is that I do not get an opportunity to spend my time with people I have been friends with for last 6 years in summer. I go to Korea every summer to spend my time with my parents. Yes, I do miss my parents during school years and I am glad to be with them but I have to be alone most of the time everyday because they go to their works every weekdays. I know that being alone does not always mean lonely but it is very hard when you do not have someone to socialize often as you want to or specific people whom you want to spend your time with. Marian, I have tried many things to embrace loneliness like taking a weekly crocheting class, practicing to get a driver license, and going to a gym. I feel good and motivated temporarily but then I end up unmotivated and moody, missing chill time with the granola gang and other friends. I also miss SoCal; I miss casual bike rides, playing volleyball, spikeball, frisbee, or soccer with friends; I miss going on coffee or boba dates with GGG. I cannot do any of these in Korea or with anyone else. When I see people's Instagram posts or stories of hangouts, I feel happy for them while there is a strong wish for me being there.

I am not blaming on you or other people for this summertime gloom. This post is more like letting out how I am feeling in words. I really do think that it is not anyone's fault, and that is why I called summers as time for endurance. I do not exactly understand why God has put me into such place and how long this "training of endurance for solitude" will be. Maybe it is until I truly enjoy being by myself because I still want to be with my friends while I am alone after 6 summers. The physical distance I experience from my high school hometown makes me feel locked out from my world and scared to be forgotten. It is because everyone has a fun time in summer and I do not exist in their summer memories. Everyone seems to find ways to enjoy their summers but I do not consistently. This gloom occurs every summer in Jo's life like annual rainy season in summer (for Korea) or winter (for LA).

I do not know where I am going with this. Nothing I can do about it. I wish I can fly to LA to see you guys. Adios.

Love,

Joanne